New day...

Today is a new day. this past week has taken my life for a crazy ride and all I can say it was many lessons learn. A dear friend/old boyfriend was killed last week and frankly it took everything out of me still kinda is but each day gets easier. Today I woke up in smiles though, I laughed and giggled because I have no clue but at least I laughed and giggled. I know Ryan is right here beside me at all times because honestly I can feel his spirit. It was funny yesterday I went to the gym to release some stress and just try to clear my mind and I did, It ended up me being the last one in the gym working out and as I made my way around the machines doing my sets Id picture Ryan there cheering me on lol it sounds crazy but it made me feel better and for the first time in days I could smile. I will never say goodbye to Ryan because I know one day I'll see him again, I know he is in heaven making GOD laugh and running down the streets of gold with his spongebob coat and white & yellow gold necklace on being a goof. I miss him dearly but I realize each day gets easier, I have great memories and great laughs to get me through and one day I will be at a place where I can think about Ryan and my heart wont feel broken and no tears will fill my eyes. I love & miss you Ry and forever you will live in my heart.

Going through this experience losing someone has honestly made me view my life in a whole new aspect. Even made me look at my friends in different views. You know the people that have been there for me with this has honestly been amazing, but those few I would've never thought they would have been the ones supporting me through this. There are a few who I thought would have been there and they aren't and honestly I was hurt and mad about it. What made me so mad was the fact that I supported people throughout their loses and honestly just any time they needed it I gave my support, my advice and my encouragement to keep going and yet these people couldn't even give me the support, encouragement or check up on me when I needed it most. It felt like what I was going through wasnt important to those I keep close, that me hurting and not being able to get out of bed or I wasnt worth being enouraged that each day gets easier and it hurt. While being mad though GOD brought me back to when he told me I was cut from a different cloth, that not only am I different from others I was suppose to stand out, that I think different from others, I feel different and I am suppose to be that way. I remember one time someone told me I need to stop worrying about who can be there for me because GOD is always there, he understands me the most but be worried about who you can be there for. I'd never stop being there for people because it makes me feel good to help others, it brings joy to my life to be able to encourage someone. Plus I know GOD would never give me to much, every struggle I have in life is only a stepping stone towards strength and GOD is right there standing infront of me even at times holding me along the way.

Life may be short or it could be long but either way I have to live it to the fullest. You can't walk around in what ifs, maybes or tomorrows because you never know when GOD will call you home. Life is a beautiful things, you have to be able to enbrace it with every out look and no matter how hard it may seem there is always a time when the rain stops and the sun shines again. I look forward to every second of the day and I cherish it because I never know when GOD will call me home, so until he does I will live daily as if it is my last, I will always remind those how I care for them and never again have the fear to fly and know that I may fall at times. I cant be upset that he is gone because he is in a better place and I am grateful for that because he now has no worry in the world, and I know he is up there waiting on me and watching me as I run this race called life.

Broken tears...

I am at the scariest place in my life right now, I made choices I had no need to made and the results of the choices will shape the rest of my life. As I am typing this the words "How Did I Get Here" are going through my mind and it seems to run across my mind on a daily. I really wanted to make something out of this situation not negative though something positive, I wanted to love you, I wanted to fall in love with you. I wanted to open your eyes to new things and vice verse. I really dont understand how we got here, or maybe I cant understand how I got here. Ya thats it I cant understand how I got here. How did I end up like the rest when I said Id always do better because I deserved better and now I am awaiting the day, pretty much the biggest day of my life, awaiting to see where my future will go from here. What will happen next because this all will shape the rest of my life. You see you didnt take care of the rest so why would you start now? I dont expect anything from you, just because I seen you in action, I see how you play, what you do and how you move. I was a victim of your games but no longer will I fall in that category. I truly wanted to love you, fall in love with you and see where things could go.. But yet here we are right where we started, you sneaking to call, me wishing you never would call anyway. Me wishing you would disappear and you seem to be around even more. Feeling like I cant breath because I am scared to move, scared to think, scared to just B R E A T H. I wish I wasnt alone in this and by alone I mean I wish you would step up if it ends up the way I pray and hope it doesnt. Love is blindness and so painful at times, I want you to go, leave and dont turn away because sometimes I dont think I can leave because I am scared to keep moving and scared of you not chasing me.... Chase me, love me, PICK ME... Why would you bring me into a situation knowing that you already had a situation. Why cant you grow up and be a man, grow up and be a M A N! AHH i just want to scream...

Lying to be perfect.

I just finished watching "Lying to be Perfect" on the lifetime channel. I related to this movie more than I actually thought I would, It was my life to the exact same problem, different situation. In this movie the main actress (Nola) is a overweight, low self-esteem, Journalist who can write her behind off but was never given the chance because she was overweight and wasn’t the image of your everyday skinny, Hollywood woman and instead of writing she ended up the copy girl. She ends up making up this "Belinda Apple" Character up in order to get her chance to shine by writing an advice column for the magazine Nola works for. Belinda was everything that Nola wanted to be but thought she could never be. Belinda was beautiful, smart, in shape, outgoing, willing to take risk, made her dreams come to reality and so on. So behind this fake character was this woman that overate because she was an emotional eater, never took risk because she was scared of falling, always followed because she didn’t think she was a born leader, and was scared of change. Belinda Apple ends up getting a book deal, but the only problem is Belinda Apple has never been seen to anyone else but Nola. Nola and her two friends end up falling for Belinda’s advice and make up a diet & fitness plan, they called it the Cinderella Pack. Two out of the three friends choose to stick to the diet & fitness plan and do it the natural way to lose weight and one friend choose to have the lap band surgery. Anyway Nola ends up meeting an amazing guy, who she thought was just the computer geek at her job named Chip but he ends up being the editor at the book company who just wants to publish Belinda Apple’s book. Long story short Nola loses her weight, and realizes that her real issues are exposed and better than expect life ends up turning around for Nola. She realizes that everything she made Belinda to be she was, but was to afraid to show it to the world. She realized that even when she was bigger she deserved to be that leader, that amazing writer, that high self-esteem woman who had dreams and was willing to do anything to make them into reality. By the end of the movie she had to tell everyone who Belinda Apple really was, and she ended up changing not only her life but others as well, she also got the man of her dreams.



Nola is me, I walk around pretending I am all these things and yet I have no clue who I am and where I belong. I put up this front because I am scared to tear down the walls I worked so hard to build up for everyone to realize I don't even know myself. I don't know what I want to be nor where I want to go and its because I spent to many years trying to please others or following behind someone. I am overweight because I am an emotional eater and when I plan to lose the weight I always end up cheating and tell myself “tomorrow will be the day I start my diet” but tomorrow is everyday. I have the lowest to no self-esteem because I never once took the risk of trying to build it up. I feel as though I always need new clothes because I want to hide so no one can figure me out. I can be this born leader, with God giving talents and yet I wouldn't know of them nor know of the born leader I can be, because I was so busy following other people. I let my flaws make me who I am instead embracing every beauty God has given me. I let people define me because I don’t know how to define myself. I never open my eyes because I always expect others to do it for me. I always settle because I never think I am good enough to be more. I don’t have dreams of my own because all of my dreams are everyone else’s. I never try in life because I am so scared of finding out who I really am that I wouldn’t dare take that chance. In November we had a visiting pastor who did a prayer line, he told me I'd see it on TV. I know this is what God was talking about when he said I'd see it on TV, this movie. I even wonder while watching the movie why God waited so long for me to see what he was talking about but than I realized he was waiting on me to be at a place in my life where I could be ready for change and I would be willing to accept it with open arms. I always thought I’ve been at this place in my life but honestly I never was, but after church today and being delivered from those old habits than needed to go and letting go of those people who never deserved to share a special place in my life I realized I am ready to take this world on, I ready to use my heart, I am ready to learn who I am and where I am going, I am ready to find out WHO SHALONDA IS! I am ready to see the will that God has planned for my life. I am ready to LOVE ME. I am ready to develop my own dreams and plan to make my own dreams reality. I am ready to see past the flaws and see my true beauty. But most of all I am ready to tear down these wall and to keep them down. I know God has a beautiful plan for me, that makes me different and stand out because I am suppose to be different and I am suppose to stand out because I was cut from a different cloth. With Gods guidance and with his grace I will MAKE IT! Life is finally starting and its starting off with a bang, yes there will be hard times and there will be times where I will want to give up but all I have to remember is God would never forsake me nor leave me and remember where I came from and where I am going. The Belinda Apple of my life no long exist nor will she never becoming back.

Only one fool away..

Don't give up!! Most women don't realize that they're only one fool away from finding the man of their dreams..-Rev Run

I seen this on Rev Run's twitter the other day and it pretty much was the enlightenment to my day. Only one fool away until "He" comes along and makes life better off. I just went through a situation with a fool and I pretty much had every warning sign, even do not enter, every keep out sign, even DEAD END sign all along the way, yet I went ahead and climb down that hole and found out I had let a fool make a fool out of me. We all go through it, thinking someone could sweep us off our feet and here to find out the dream they sold us was only a false dream. But even after this I will not give up on love, mind you I have been through a lot with love we have had many battles but yet I will not give up. I know God has that perfect man that I am perfect for and he is perfect for me. I did realize going through this, that I am amazing and I know my man of God is going to be amazing himself and I decided that I don't want a relationship until he comes along. I asked God to promise me that back in the summer that he wouldn't allow me to get into any relationships unless it was the "ONE". I know people will think, well that could be years and year off but honestly I feel like its closer than I think. I am falling so deep in love with God, I am learning to love by loving God, my relationship with God is growing and I am so excited for the all the new beginnings I am going to experience with God. So Hopefully I am done with the fools and my king will soon show up.

ShalondaRenee♥

Falling in true love.

I wanna fall so in love with you, that my heart just beats for you, that
every breath I take is for you. That every move in my life I make it
for you, that each day my relationship grows closer to you, that I
always know you are with me at all times. I love you Jesus and I am so
thankful for everything you have done in my life!♥

Me TIME!

So much has happened within these last couple of days that it deserves its own post, but until than I am taking a well deserve me day!

I am going to workout, take a nice hot shower, do my hair extra pretty today, get my nails painted and just relax until bible study. Enjoying life because you only get one♥

ShalondaRenee