New day...

Today is a new day. this past week has taken my life for a crazy ride and all I can say it was many lessons learn. A dear friend/old boyfriend was killed last week and frankly it took everything out of me still kinda is but each day gets easier. Today I woke up in smiles though, I laughed and giggled because I have no clue but at least I laughed and giggled. I know Ryan is right here beside me at all times because honestly I can feel his spirit. It was funny yesterday I went to the gym to release some stress and just try to clear my mind and I did, It ended up me being the last one in the gym working out and as I made my way around the machines doing my sets Id picture Ryan there cheering me on lol it sounds crazy but it made me feel better and for the first time in days I could smile. I will never say goodbye to Ryan because I know one day I'll see him again, I know he is in heaven making GOD laugh and running down the streets of gold with his spongebob coat and white & yellow gold necklace on being a goof. I miss him dearly but I realize each day gets easier, I have great memories and great laughs to get me through and one day I will be at a place where I can think about Ryan and my heart wont feel broken and no tears will fill my eyes. I love & miss you Ry and forever you will live in my heart.

Going through this experience losing someone has honestly made me view my life in a whole new aspect. Even made me look at my friends in different views. You know the people that have been there for me with this has honestly been amazing, but those few I would've never thought they would have been the ones supporting me through this. There are a few who I thought would have been there and they aren't and honestly I was hurt and mad about it. What made me so mad was the fact that I supported people throughout their loses and honestly just any time they needed it I gave my support, my advice and my encouragement to keep going and yet these people couldn't even give me the support, encouragement or check up on me when I needed it most. It felt like what I was going through wasnt important to those I keep close, that me hurting and not being able to get out of bed or I wasnt worth being enouraged that each day gets easier and it hurt. While being mad though GOD brought me back to when he told me I was cut from a different cloth, that not only am I different from others I was suppose to stand out, that I think different from others, I feel different and I am suppose to be that way. I remember one time someone told me I need to stop worrying about who can be there for me because GOD is always there, he understands me the most but be worried about who you can be there for. I'd never stop being there for people because it makes me feel good to help others, it brings joy to my life to be able to encourage someone. Plus I know GOD would never give me to much, every struggle I have in life is only a stepping stone towards strength and GOD is right there standing infront of me even at times holding me along the way.

Life may be short or it could be long but either way I have to live it to the fullest. You can't walk around in what ifs, maybes or tomorrows because you never know when GOD will call you home. Life is a beautiful things, you have to be able to enbrace it with every out look and no matter how hard it may seem there is always a time when the rain stops and the sun shines again. I look forward to every second of the day and I cherish it because I never know when GOD will call me home, so until he does I will live daily as if it is my last, I will always remind those how I care for them and never again have the fear to fly and know that I may fall at times. I cant be upset that he is gone because he is in a better place and I am grateful for that because he now has no worry in the world, and I know he is up there waiting on me and watching me as I run this race called life.